I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
