My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
