Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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