Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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