O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
