I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So squirting runs in the family.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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