I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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