Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Randomize
