dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
