You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
