it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
