we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
