You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
