He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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