He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
