i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
