Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my being single is dangerous.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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