I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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