I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
