drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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