The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
