Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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