Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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