Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if only i could text you this smell
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
