her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
