first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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