Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
