i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
