No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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