the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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