just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
