im drinking this country out of the recession.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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