i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
