Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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