No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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