apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
