nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
