i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
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