Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
