when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
