My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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