Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
