umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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