hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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