Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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