I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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