OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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