I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
