I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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