Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
