Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
