I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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