I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
