Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
