we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
