He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
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Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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