Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
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Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm getting married
To pizza
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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