So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
