Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
